Humpty Dumpty Had a Great Fall…

I have a confession to make: I am officially the world’s clumsiest tart! This has become pain stakingly obvious in my last few escapades out on the town…

Now I realized at a very young age that I had a unbelievable gift for putting my foot in it, such as the time I was bitching about my lesbo netball coach who hadn’t awarded me my half colours (big, huge, enormous mistake) and was, in graphic detail, describing her love for carpets when I heard the dreaded “ah ah um” as she walked past me – Mmmm, ‘xcuse me while I remove my foot!

What I hadn’t grasped yet, until recently, was that this foot in mouth ability extended to just general fucking abuse of my footsies! My feet have been stepped on, scrapped, driven over and alas fallen pray to being the general victims of my accident proneness…

My gorgeous feet that enhance my beautiful shoes (and they are just so deliciously yummy) are scared, sore and worst of all just don’t do justice to my gorgeous new shoes (which will be worn for tonight’s big piss on the town)! Of course, as is the case when you are shit-hot, people have started calling me all kinds of names you would associate with a complete nit-witt and general doofus (fuck, when was the last time you used THAT word?!)

This label-tart-clumsy-phase has even spread to my familia, with my little bro telling the parental unit known as dad:
“Don’t worry dad, this is what she does – she gets drunk, falls down and then continues to party…”

At first I beamed with self-pride and utter admiration for moi – walked around thunking: Too Fucking Right! Bloody A! Yo-dil-yay-di-hoo! Of course the reality of the branding set in and I am totally worried and completely stressed out about this – I mean if this rep gets around can you imagine how this is going to affect my shag status in this town…!!!

Mmmm, although on the upside of this situation (I was taught to always look at the positive side of life – you know rainbows and butterflies) I had one of my Directors comment on my latest war wound – it has the coveted prize posie on my left foot… His comment you might ask?

“So did you climb some trees this weekend… Maybe even mount a few boys?”

Naturally I was appalled at the comment – total sexual harassment of the tart – but then it hit me… My clumsiness is a gift, a blessing in disguise, my secret weapon… Imagine how many sympathy votes and more importantly drinks I can get looking all fragile and hurt??? Fucking Jackpot Baby!

Now all I need is to find someone very fucking strong and uber sexy too… (after all I do fall down quite a bit and will need a strapper of man to help me!)