A Tart’s “How NOT To” Guide…

We have all, at one stage in our many drunken nights out, sent someone a text message. Normally you shrug it off as a ‘nnnnaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh’ situation, happy with the knowledge that is was just a really bad dream. As you emerge from your room though, hung-over as shit, your room mate / fellow tart etc informs that you did actually send that god awful sms. As the oh-so-familiar feeling of dread sets in (this is usually while I am sipping away on a hot cuppa black mocha) you come to understand just what a tit you have made of yourself. FUCK.

You generally have two options at this stage:

1. Pretend in never happened and put it down to your fellow tart still being utterly shit-faced and therefore totally delusional. Maybe contemplate having her committed to mental asylum for inflicting such terrible news on a good mate…

Ooooorrrrrrr…

2. Climb back into bed with the covers pulled way over your head and contemplate how on God’s green earth you are going to explain this should you ever bump into that person or any of his relatives or friends again. This is my personal favourite – I usually find that I land up praying for a swift and just death; although that could mainly be due to the hang-over, mmm…

The type of drunken texts that you usually send get worse and worse as the evening and Tequila wears on. Great for entertaining your tarts, not so great for you!

For the not-so socially adept, these are the type of drunken sms’s I am gabbing on about (with help from an email I received from Crazy B yesterday):

1. The "Fishing" Text:
This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", or simply "Ocean?" Despite appearing innocent at first, this type of text is far from it. Sent at 3am, this generally should be translated as: "I’m drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? I wanna come round and jump your bones right now!" Typical response rate is around 10%, if you are lucky and this does, of course, depend on how many back-up shags you have. The determinates of a successful "fishing" text are alcohol levels in the person receiving the text, how filthy they are, and your marginal propensity to sleep. A "fishing" text is at its worst when sent to an ex. Just don’t do it! Best thing to do is remove his number from your phone, or, simply put "No" after / before his name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.

Apparently the Aussie's have got this sorted. You can ring up a company before you go out and have a specific number barred from your phone for the night! Awesome! To think I might have saved myself so many embarrassing nights out. Dammit…


2. The "T9" Classic:
For those of you tarts not up on your phone lingo "T9" refers to the predictive text facility found on most mobile phones. Such a programme, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol. My personal favourites:

"In supermarket. Fucking Steve."
"Fancy a dual?"

This last one is also classed as a "fishing" text since, as you may have realised, "dual" should say "fuck".


3. The "Friend Locator" Text:
The only type of text to be sent without sexual motivation (or so a tart can hope). Picture the following situation:

You've just met some hot dude and your mates have fucked off to leave you to it. At which point he realises your chat-chit is a load of crap and he makes an excuse to go find her friends. You are now left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your friends several times before realising they will not be able to hear the bloody phone ring. Great! Your solution is to send the following message:

"Wher u? Dick on dance floor" Or some other incomprehensible crap.

Response rate: 0.01%


4. "Declarations of Undying Love" Text:
No doubt the most embarrassing of the drunken texts. Recognise any of the following?

"I love u!"
"Love you millions"
"Why can’t all guys be as fit like you!"
"Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!"
"I’m so into you right now."

It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure i.e. from like x to x x x x x x x x x x x x x


5. "Family” Texts:
Doesn’t happen to many tarts but for those who accidentally text the parents, it can be disastrous. Normally, the parents will have had a phone conversation with you prior to going out so they are on your mind slightly. Parents most likely to receive messages are those who are dangerously
close to the hot prospects in your phone book. For example: "Dad" will be located near "Dale"
alphabetically. My personal favourites:

"I’m c*nted where are you?"
"U wanna stay at mine tonite?" (ooh dear)


6."Sex” Text:
This is just never a good idea under any circumstances and no matter how many Tequilas, Whiskeys or JaggieBombs you have consumed. Don’t do it - it’s just not clever.


7. "The Send to the Wrong Person” Text:
Unfortunately this typically occurs when you are bitching about someone or saying you fancy someone. Their name sticks in your head when you're about to send to it... and BANG! Wrong person gets the very message they are the subject of. Although this does have it advantages, because you can do the double bluff. Want to make your ex jealous? Easy, send a message to him that was meant for your fictional new hot lover. Even worse than sending a drunk text, is phoning the person (my bad! See blog entitled “Mistaken Identity: *bashful grin*)


8. “Singing” Texts:
Ever caught yourself texting song lyrics? Shocking really isn't it! This tart has one gone step further and actually sang to Crombie’s voicemail, pissed a coot! This has now been turned into a ringtone – charming. Again, just don’t do it!


9. The "Reminder" Text:
Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that. You have realised just how pissed you are and that in the morning you will remember nothing. You therefore send yourself reminders for the morning. Examples:

"Say sorry to Kelly"
"U lent Crombie R40"
"Check your camera"
"Key is under bin"

Lately, however, I have been unable to set these reminders as half the bloody time I don’t remember what the fuck I am doing and most importantly where the fuck I am!