Keeping it Clean

Apparently I swear a lot.

In reality I swear whole fucking heaps of lot…

I can’t help it, its just part of who I am – deal with it. I mean honestly, you can’t blame this tart for being a passionate loud-mouthed Italian now can you? That’s like blaming Mussolini for killing people – oh no wait he did do that…. Mmmm, ok well what about blaming Schumi for being such a totally wicked Formula 1 Driver? You. Just. Wouldn’t. Do. It! Unless of course you were a BMW fan, in which case you suck balls and therefore have no opinion.

Personally I have absolutely no problem with my vocabulary and think I have a rather colourful array of expressive words to choose from. It’s not my fault that prudish people who don’t have a life can’t see this. For instance, I have been coordinating the arrangements for Mrs-S-To-Be’s bachelorettes and pamper party with BB over the past few days – thank fuck for technology because the thought of having to thrash out details such as these over the phone or god forbid through our postal system would be a nightmare of monumental proportions! The thing is BB works at Standard Bank. Standard Bank doesn’t approve of my colourful language. In fact they disapprove so much they even took the time to send reply emails stating that my mails had been rejected... due to inappropriate content.

I’m sorry wwwwhaaaaattttttttt? Rejected? What do you mean rejected??? Nothing I have ever done or said has ever been rejected… I mean what kind of word is this!

Eventually I realised that I was fighting a battle I was certain to lose and the pure frustration of not being able to communicate with BB was enough to make me clean up my act per say (Gawd I sound just like the parental unit known as ‘Mom”. Gag). So I de-dirtied myself, tried to keep it clean and tidy and guess what…

…My fucking mails bounced!

Now excuse fucking me but if you keep it tidy, you keep it tidy. I played by the rules and still they insist on rejecting me. I ask you with tears in my eyes: What has the world come to? Whatever happened to Freedom of Speech and all that jazz that the ANC fought so long and hard for, mmmm?! Never one to give up (and of course simply to prove a point – am not sure to whom though) I tidied up my act even more. My mails were so clean that I could have sent them to BB via a virginal punani!

FINALLY: Houston we have lift-off!

If I’ve learned one thing from my whole email crisis with the bank boys is that de-dirtying yourself is really hard work. Pain stakingly, back breaking, sweat enhancing work. Something this tart just isn’t up for in the future!