The Tart and The Ugly

So I’ve decided that since technology is progressing at a rapid, fantastic rate that we should start having soapies on blogs… This first episode of blog soapie is inspired by Crazy B’s recent encounter with Cockhead who couldn’t quite understand why his past exhibit of rapist behaviour had her running…

Queue Music: Dum did um, da di um dum, dum dum dum

The Tart and The Ugly

Enter The Tart, talking feverishly out loud (cause that’s how all soapie characters roll…)

I just can’t believe this fucking tonsil! Un-bee-lieve-able. What part of fuck off doesn’t he understand. I mean I gave him a chance, even tried to be nice but he just doesn’t seem to understand the concept…

Walks to the window, lovingly looking at her Petunia’s whilst letting out a sigh of massive frustration.

Abruptly her room door roars open.

The Tart shocked and completely dazed from this massive invasion on her inner thoughts, gasps. Frozen with shock at the mere site of the figure standing in the door frame, she quickly scans the room for possible exit signs… She recognises the grotesque figure straight away – her disgust evident.

The Tart, I am just here to pledge my undying love for you. I know that you have rejected me in the past which has tortured my soul beyond hell but I cannot, actually I refuse, to not have you in my life…

The Tart motions to speak but before she can utter a word, Cockhead is kneeling in front of her, begging like the dog he is…

Now I know you said to never ever under any circumstances contact you again, unless my brother had run off with your cousin whilst actually confessing his undying love for your sister but I just had to see you one last time. I had to tell you that I am so desperate to have you in my life that I defied your wishes and am prepared, if you’ll have me, to be your (Cockhead takes a large, dramatic gulp of the seemingly stale and cold air) friend… Speak my love!

Pushing Cockhead away The Tart begins pacing – mainly because she is still trying to find that allusive escape route but also to confuse the poor fucker standing in front of her. Perplexed she says….

Don’t you fucking get it?! I mean do I have to spell it out to you, you, you, you complete imbecile of a man. Well if that’s what it takes: I – Want – Nothing – Zip – Zero – Nada – To – Do – With – You! Understand now? Still not – ok maybe I should try this in Afrikaans then: Fock Off!

Cockhead suddenly makes a grab for The Tart but before he manages to stick his grubby little paws on her, the glass door explodes and there in the midst of glass flying stands a figure…

Ass – hole (said in heavy Chinese / Japanese / hell any Asian accent) you no need to The Tart bother. I here to judo chop you here from tomorrow!

The Tart can’t believe who this valiant rescuer is – she almost faints when she says his short, marshal art’s physique. Finally she manages to say his name, in only the faintest of whispers.

Jackie Chan!

Cockhead looks terrified, suddenly realizing that his chances of survival are slim, he decides to be the true chicken he is and bolts for the door with Jackie hot on his heels….

Queue Writing: TO BE CONTINUED…

And go music: Dum did um, da di um dum, dum dum dum