Feel the Burn

Yip, it has to come to this! The insane and torturous use of my body in all places! My ode to pain and sudden increase is cursing and cussing for that matter started on Monday! Oh, to talk about it actually hurts my buns! You know I am a summer gal through and through, gimme a beach, sun and a margherita and I am as happy as a pig rolling around in a shit load of scheit! Unfortunately for moi, summer does come with a slight glitch / snag: summer means MOVE THAT ASS! or at least in my warped little family especially with a father parental who is a complete fitness addict – god forbid the man should have one fucking fat roll at 53! I mean honestly – the Americans don’t seem to mind resembling a small potato!!!

I have been dragging my ass to… GYM, yes ladies and gents I said the dreaded word: GYM! Every morning at like 5am in what I think and just can’t bear to accept is a vain and rather fucking useless attempt to get my buns to resemble a small orange! *pant* Even typing this is exhausting! The parental unit member known as “dad” is apparently über proud of his little tart for making such an effort to be healthy and life a long and prosperous life (and to want world peace too!) I even fucking quit smoking – ok well that is kinda a teeny tiny white lie but I have cut down, plus I think if my dad knew half the shit I got myself into, he would have had a coronary about 10 years ago!

Anyway so I shall just have to keep moseying along, crying on the inside every time I have to walk another step on that fucking machine! I mean I just look at it and it sends shivers down my spine – it gives me the evil once-over as if to say: come ‘n tart move that fucking ass…! I mean who the fuck thought of inventing something that made you walk whilst technically standing still? Talk about taking a trip done bloody fucking strange street!

I suppose the higher power above did give us legs for a reason?!