Lately I have noticed that you have been tyring to put the fear of Sheeba into me. Firstly, let me just say that this is working... And it is something I do not appreciate for the following reasons:
- I have always, since the beginning of boozy tart's time, pushed the boundaries. Whether those be the boundaries of a "legal" and "safe" level of drunkenness or seeing just how quickly we could get from Mansfields to Bourbon Street, I have devoted much time, energy and financial resource to my trade. Therefore, the effort to de-boozyfy said self is just not fucking appreciated. I are the way that I are...
- I fucking get it! Enough with the god damn signs already. Yes, I know drinking and driving is me playing roulette with my life in a moving object but I preferred it when I didn't have to hear that little voice that came over loud speaker and said: You've had too much. No more drink for you. Can't drink and drive, must be responsible. I don't particularly like this little voice. I understand why it is there but still, it's fucking annoying. If possible, can you bring back the one that screams: Let the good times roll - she's fucking awesome!
- I am a responsible fully functional adult... mmm, ok so maybe fully functional is a bit of an exaggeration but cut a boozed up tart some slack would ya?! I have a reputation to maintain and going quietly into the night is not one of them. Stop dicking around with me...
- At the current rate, I am spending approximately 10% of my nett salary bribing polisie peoples. This is good drinking money that is being squandered. As previously mentioned, I fucking get it! And as such, would really appreciate you not radioing in to police HQ and informing them of my back-route whereabouts.
I realise that on many occasions I have put my life and those of fellow best tarts in danger but we always made it home ok - a bit shitfaced and tired from smashing pies into them but home and all there! In addition, I have apologised numerous times and thanked my angels, Brit and Tit, in writing!
Universe, I want you to know that I have taken major note of your signs and as I write this have taken massive steps to re-direct my current drunken and possibly out of hand behaviour but I would really appreciate it, if just for one night a weekend, you could quieten my conscious?
As the Parental Unit known as "Dad" always says, everything in moderation... If we both agree to apply this principle, I see no reason why we can't co-exist very happily. We could be the first to strike a mutual understanding - an understanding that would allow for this little voice to stand up and be heard when I am indeed bordering on being a puza'd tart and having to possible maybe kinda face bribing another polisie man if I drive as well as allowing me to be me - in every sense of the word.
All I am asking for is just one night a weekend where the little voice doesn't kick in thus enabling me to go to my happy place! I am willing to agree to this night occurring when I do not have any sort of car keys in my position (as a show of good faith on my part).
I am sure you will find this proposition very fucking reasonable and as such eagerly await your reply.
Much love, BoozyT.
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