Friday, September 29, 2006

I like a da schicken

I have a friend… (and I can so see you all reading this and going yes and your fucking point would be what exactly or good for you or alert the media etc but there is always a point to my rambles or so I would like to think) Anyway back to my friend – she has this amazing gift. A gift that any girl from the 50’s would have killed cows, goats and sheep for. A gift that I’m afraid that is too terrifying for any modern Jozi gal to try and come to terms with. A gift that has been known to sober up Crombie and I in an instant – kinda like Flash Gordon really… This gift is actually that strange and completely foreign that I once had a dream about it – actually correction, make that a fucking nightmare!

This gift involves her beau as well. Yes well fine, have your kinky thoughts but try and focus here people! Fortunately it doesn’t involve any kinky scheit (and that is fortunate for me as god what a fucking terrible mental image) but in fact the gift centers around her beau. We’ll call him Blazer. My friend who I’ll call Pecan never had this gift until Blazer came along. Or maybe it was one of those untapped resources she had up her oven gloves and was just waiting to release *shrug of shoulders* Now don’t get me wrong, Blazer is a complete sweetheart but this gift, this thing he has instilled in Pecan is just so… so… so... domestic it makes me want to vomit, puke, chunder, shpue – you get the picture.

Pecan’s gift is (childrens block your ears and close your eyes) COOKING A FUCKING GOD DAMN ROAST CHICKEN and I am talking every night here people! But the worst part is that she actually ENJOYS doing it! What happened to my drunk Pecan that would fall over everywhere with me, that would pub crawl and go on a grab-some-ass-a-thon, that did a he-tox with me, that was all for the independent women of tomorrow??? Who ever said relationships bring out the best in people was clearly on a come down after a heavy night of snarf cause I mean blow muther fucking me you must be mental!

Pecan’s gift has made me allergic to the entire kitchen and god fucking forbid I come near an oven glove – I just break out in hives man! Crombie and I have decided that we are going to get Pecan a T-shirt. This T-shirt could actually get Pecan some sponsorship by Nando’s me thinks… The T-shirt you may ask is quite simple: He like a schicken, I cook a da schicken and We eat a da schicken!

As for me, I pass a on da fucking schicken!

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