All that AND a bag of chips!

Last night I was liberated! Liberated in a way that every tart should be. A way that would have made Gloria sing for days on end! I had my R-E-S-P-E-C-T moment as I like to call it…

I have officially been de-Achilles Heeled! And it is a feeling that is almost as fantastic as having a week long shag fest. I can’t stop smiling, beaming actually. Everyone would think that I seriously got it all last night – ridiculous!

I was out for dinner at the most deevine restaurant last night, Cnr Café – do yourselves a wee favour and go and munch away there, fantabulous – when my Achilles Heel mozzy-ed in with his new chickie. Now most tarts would cringe at this. You always wish for these moments – you know when you’re looking as shit hot as one tart possibly can but often the rather depressing reality of it all is that you are standing in your bloody video shop, looking like a hung-over thoroughly used up tart still desperately trying to recover from the night before’s antics, wearing what else but your comfie trackie pants and that T-shirt that on a normal day, you wouldn’t be caught dead in.

This, however, is not how I looked last night. Oh no, not this tart! I was milking the whole corporate “I rule the world” vibe, with a dash of funk – naturally, when my Achilles Heel walked towards me (who I haven’t seen in 6 months, although a few months ago had the rather unpleasant encounter with his um mmmm rat look alike flavour of the month who felt the need to splurge all – nuff said), his jaw dropped. Yes that’s right, I know I look damn good so go on, lap it up Bubu!

More significantly though is the fact that this is the first time I looked at him and not had to catch my breath, stop my heart from skipping a beat or feeling that surge of nervous energy build in my stomach. Instead, there was nothing. I was like the arid landscape of the Klein Karoo and my feelings equaled those of the peaceful landscape of the Artic – cool as a mother fucking cucumber one might say! I couldn’t believe it – I, boozy tart, was officially over him and all the scheit that came with it!

Ecstatic, elated and just genuinely school giddyish don’t even begin to explain the pure joy that just forced me to celebrate with another whisky! He, on the other hand, was completely affected by me – according to Pecan, who was there to witness and document this monumental occasion in my life, he not only didn’t touch, hold or even talk to his new chick but couldn’t keep his eyes off me! The best part of course, is although his new gal seems rather normal – for once – she has an ass that would put JLo to shame! As Blazer said: They are always fat! Brilliant, love it…

Of course Pecan’s pig noises whilst we watch her wolf down a burger n fries with gusto only made me smile even more. I think I lived every tarts fantasy last night – the new chick is not only way bigger than me but she NEVER will even come close to having a smidgen of i-ota of an atom on me! Praise be to Je-bus… If I was religious I think I would probably go and get all fucking happy clappy and sing Halleluiah a few times – just for shits and giggles!

I guess love really is blind… In my case though, I seem to not only have been blind but deaf and dumb too!