The Wedding Date

What is it with soon-to-be-married people making sure that all the single folk who shall be attending their wedding have a date? Mmmm – anyone? Personally the mere thought of having to find a date, let alone one that will most definitely look shit hot on my arm, is a rather daunting prospect. Most of the guys I know probably won’t ever speak to me again (I have a slight problem with being polite when it comes to breaking things off)…

My most recent encounter with this dilemma came in the form of the invite to my close mate’s wedding. I am her matron of honour – such a gad awful phrase as just sounds as ancient and boring as playing chess – and therefore am required to bring someone. But not just anyone you see. This someone has to be so delectable that the camera will want to fuck him five times from Sunday. It’s bad enough that I will forever be etched in my mate’s wedding photo’s wearing the most hideous dusty pink satin (yes you read that correctly) dress but if my so called date for the event isn’t super duper panty dropping material then her photo’s will be ruined! Talk about pressure.

Luckily I am blessed with the gift of the gab and I think I have managed to argue my case for single tarts around the world. My argument was simple, to the point and in the end I am hoping that my dear duhling friend has seen the light at the end of the shot gun ;)

After all, how can I possibly play spin the empty champagne bottle under the table at the reception if I appear seemingly attached?

Wedding Season

What the fuck is going on in the world… It’s like everyone woke up this year and decided to get hitched and tie the knot! People are losing their single minds left, right and bloody centre. Case in point is that I now officially have three weddings to go to in the space of six months – one of which I happen to be the maid of honour aka chief bridesmaid and it scares the living Be Jesus outta me. I can’t ever imagine getting to the point where you decide that this person next to you is the one you wanna wake up to every day, shag for all eternity (what a wrenching thought) and watch them get all wrinkly and old – PASS!

The fucking frightening thing is that I find myself getting to an age now where my involved friends (most of whom are on the verge of taking the proverbial plunge) out-weigh my single ones. I mean, how the fuck did this come about? What happened to the notion of being 18 till we die? Free and unattached for life? I guess I must have simply missed the wedding memo…

Thank fuck for Crombie, who is not only my single Jozi partner in all debaucherious crime, but who has sworn that she will get married at least 7 times. Each wedding will be themed with one of them being the Rocky Horror Show! Now there’s a wedding to look forward to!